Kwisatz Haderach, The One Who Will Kill Us All
by Darek Dene
Summary: This is an evil parody that's sure to discredit the works of the Great Author Herbert. Feel free to vomit when reading this sacrilege.
1. Chapter 1

"A beginning is a time for taking the most delicate care that all information is correct, even in its mutilated parody form. This, every sister of the Bene Gesserit knows, and dreads."

-From the "Bitching of Irulan", by the Prophet King Muad'Dib

The soft mellow light of the sun's morning ray rested on Castle Caladan. It was a week before their departure to the hell planet Arrakis, home to the giant desert zombies with blue eyes, the Fremen- a tough bunch of people bent on living the end of their days in desert solitude. They're sole existence is to leech onto every human, or otherwise, who crosses their path, suck the water out of them (and I don't mean this in the usual perverted way), and so forth.

But I digress.

We were talking about Caladan, on how the young boy at the age of 15, Paul Atreides, dead beat after a night of partying and boozing on fermented Pundi Rice wine with his numerous friends, slept through the entire morning and evening.

Yes, he awoke with a splitting headache- one that he will never get rid of until he takes the Water of Life and gets a million other headaches from his many memories of ancestors long dead… Talk about major migraine- stomped his way to the bathroom, slipped out a razor, and started to brush his teeth with it!

Downstairs, Paul's mother, Jessica and Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam, the oldest bitch in the history of Bene Gesserit hears a scream from above.

"Dear me, my little slave Jessica, what is that awful noise? Do you keep the torture chambers in the towers above?"

"No Reverend Mother, that's just my merry band of strippers working on a cure for my husband" Jessica hissed sarcastically at the Reverend Mother. No point showing respect to the Reverend Bitch Gaius Helen Mohiam, considering that she would be the mother to the Ksiwatz Haderach- The one who can see in many places at once (And please, to all you perverts out there who doesn't know how the storyline REALLY goes, being able to see "many places at once" DOES NOT INCLUDE under a womens dress, okay!).

And I digress yet again.

Jessica thinks for a while: "_Why did I ever raise up an idiot son, who drinks and parties until late at night, clumsy and forgetful- why, if his head wasn't attached to his neck, he would have forgotten about it in a matter of minutes- foolish in all things concerning discipline and personal hygiene, yet IS GOING to be the Ksiwatz Haderach_?"

The Reverend Mother thinks: "_Is there a toilet in this damned castle or not? Im too old for these long expeditions to test people with the Gom Jabbar… Not even Bene Gesserit training can help me control my bladder now_!"

Jessica shivers at the Reverend Mother's thoughts… Gom Jabbar, a poison used to test a person for their humanity.

"Ive got to figure out a way to let Paul escape from this wretched test! My only son, to be tested for his humanity? Oh come on old woman, think straight, do you think that teenagers have an ounce of humanity in them!" Jessica near screams at a high pitched crescendo at the Reverend Mother.

Needless to say, the Reverend Mother accepted a simple bribe: You tell me where the toilets are, and I won't test Paul at all. After all, she thought that the teenager-not-having-humanity excuse was a very good one, knowing that she has a 16 yr old niece who's trying very hard to employ every Bene Gesserit trick up her sleeve to prevent pregnancy. What IS the world up to nowadays?

Jessica thought it was an excellent trade. She could always shove the old crone into the toilets, never to be seen again! Buahahahahaha!

Paul comes down with bloodstains on his pajama shirt.

"Oh no," cries his mother "Did the Harkonens finally get you?"

"No mother, I just cut myself with a razor"

"_Oh dang_!" thought her mother "_So close yet so far… HOW am I ever to get rid of this adolescent twit? He consumes Spice like there's no tomorrow_!"

Spice, _Mélange_. Spice is like how Loreal are to the female species and Nike to the male species- the balance of all sorts. But let's cut the crap- Spice is an addictive material that gives pretty intense hallucinations to the consumer. Take it as the modern day pot. You take it, you sniff it, you eat it, all leading to one direction: To be in touch with the inner self. The Spacing Guild uses it to travel in space, the Bene Gesserit uses it to become Reverend Mothers… It's a scandal I tell you. Oh, and Spice can only be found on the Planet Arrakis. That's what makes Arrakis so special… That's what makes it worth fighting for.

Paul sits himself down at the breakfast table. He tries to keep his emotions within, but then finally cries out in despair: "Mother, when will I ever mature?"

"_Oh God's above, the same question again_!"

"My son my son, what is wrong?" thinking about how pathetic the state of her young bobedoo is now.

Paul dries a tear from his eyes and mutters, "I had a dream about this beautiful girl last night named Chani. She's so beautiful and I WANT TO MARRY HER NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!" Paul throws a tantrum.

"Sometime in the future, dear. Your dreams ALWAYS do come true anyway… although I particularly dreaded that dream of yours, which came true by the way, about you and that boy losing your vir…" Jessica thinks for a while, saddened by the thought of her son's gay tendencies, then continues "Oh nevermind, now look, I want you to meet someone special… Let me introduce you to a Reverend Mother…"

Note: Despite the particularly "suggestive" moments in this story, I thought it went rather well for a 10 minute story. Yes, it sucks, I know… Not even a single plot! Now never mind there, I promise you more in the near future! What? You DON'T want more? Oh come on… It CANT be THAT bad…


	2. Chapter 2

As I forgot to put in my last chapter: Paul Muad'Dib, Jessica, Reverend Mother, and all the works of the Great Frank Herbert (May His name be praised), DOES NOT belong to me. Honestly.

We start this chapter off with a sing-a-long by the Missionaria Protectiva in the year something-something GB, a couple of centuries after the Butleriad Jihad:

Follows melody of ancient Terran song, Bah-Bah Vlack Sh'eep

"Mission-naria Protect-tiva,

Have you any Spice?

Yes Sir, Yes Sir,

Two tons full!

One from the Bene Gesserit,

One from smuggling…

And another from that Emperor… in the other galaxy!"

From "Analysis: The Reverend Tragedy" by the Princess Irulan

Two weeks after the Gom Jabbar experience, the soon-to-be prophet Paul is raving in his fathers mansion in Arrakis.

"Mum, why can't I have that Gom Jabbar again? It was so nice… So cool…" Paul raved on and on, sweat trickling down his forehead.

Yes, readers, you got it right- Instead of being scared on the Gom Jabbar, he was HOOKED on it! Our dear Paul is having withdrawal symptoms as of this moment. He had screamed in delight at the pain involved, bursting the pathetic ear drums of the Reverend Mother.

How did that happen you ask, with all the Bene Gesserit training the Reverend Mother had received in the few hundred years of her life? Well, Paul had injected his scream with a condensed method of Voice his mother had taught him. The fact is that not only did Reverend Mother Gaius die, everyone within a hundred meters got killed of, including the genetically bred insects.

The only reason Jessica escaped was because she had NOT been at the door outside as promised, but in the toilets!

Note: In my story, all Bene Gesserit have a problem with bladder control, one of the unknown side effects of muscle control. The only reason its gone unnoticed is because all the Sisters in the Bene Gesserit are too stupid and embarrassed to talk about it.

"I told you already son, no Gom Jabbar for you! You want to get addicted again like you did with father's Spice cigarettes? Don't be an idiot!" Jessica told off Paul in a stern voice.

"_I feel so sad for my dear Paul. Not only had he killed of one of the best Reverend Mother's in the direct service of the Emperor himself, we had to dispose of her body carefully in fear that the Emperors Saudakar will come after us." _Jessica thought silently, looking at Paul pacing around his room like a mad man.

Now its time for my usual explanation: Saudakar. They are the Royal Soldiers of the Emperor, killers by instinct. Famous for their various exotic and exquisite techniques in killing off their victims (many Magazine Reviews, such as the Spice Weekly and G.B Gamer, have exalted the Saudakar as the best killers in modern history).

Jessica walks out of the room clouded with despair.

Jessica walks to the dining room, and meets with a huge hulking fat-mama Fremen Shout-It-Out Mapes, singing to the tunes of "The SPICE Girls" with a broom in her hands!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SERVANT!" shouts Jessica in a fit of hysteria.

Silently, Mapes turns. Imagine, horror movie with the long haired ghost turning slowly, eyes blue, teeth barring.

"You dare shout to a true desert Fremen? You will die!" Shout-It-Out Mapes takes out a Crysknife and rushes to Jessica. The fat-mama stumbles clumsily with her boobs bouncing up and down.

Cinematics at this point are at a slow motion pace

Crysknife… sigh, must I explain every single word here? For this word, please imagine a GIANT earthworm with many SHARP TEETH, and a BIG TOOTHACHE! Ouch! So the Fremen acts as "Dentist of the Desert" and extracts the tooth of the Great Shai'Hulud. This is the blade of the Crysknife.

How often must I digress?

Mapes launches at Jessica. Jessica sighs, rolls her eyes, and…

FAINTS! At this point, Jessica pees in her pants, all thanks to poor bladder control.

"Hahahahahaha! I knew we Fremen were the tougher croud!"

This took less time to write than the first chapter. The plot in this story is none-existent. This goes to show that I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO WRITING ABILITIES. You may dish out the worst reviews the world has to offer.


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